Attempted Fatherly Love

I am trying a new line tonight. The Daughter of Delight is leaving for the Septic Tank soon. To receive a decent education, one trusts. Just because I don't like them, no reason why she should not get on. She might even get a latte. At which point I have mentally shot myself.

Tonight's subject is cooking, about which the DoD is quite keen. To fuel her furnace, I have been working with her over the years on some basic but wholesome horse-shit. She's good. Not as good as me, yet, but good. Back to the kitchen.

I have a long-standing admiration for the Hairy-Bikers. Not because they are the equivalent of Raymond Blanc and les Roux, but because their programmes exude a delight about eating. The DoD is of similar mind-set. Accordingly, I pay homage to Si and Dave - who make us both laugh, and teach us facts. And that is what bringing up bairns is all about. Below, a few of the early versions. Absolutely no disrespect implied, an attempt to recreate the lads' way of making cooking fun.

Dad's Bolognese-style sauce.

Si: What you got there, mate?

Dave: I've got some lovely English onions, mate, and I'm just goin' to sweat 'em off in a bit of olive oil along with some Norfolk celery and a large Lincolnshire carrot.

Si: I see you've diced them all, mate.

Dave: Aye, they cook a bit better when you cut 'em into pieces.

Si: While you're doing that I'm goin' to dice two rashers of prime English bacon – ooh look at all that gorgeous fat on the edges of this bacon.

Dave: Aye, mate. Pop it into the pan and get ready to add some mince.

Si: Now, we're using a mix of beef and pork mince here, trying to create the perfect mingling of English and Italian home cooking.

Dave: I see that you've got it all lovely and browned now, Si. Shall I just go and chop some herbs?

Si: Yeah, we'll drop in a handful of mixed herbs, and some basil, although that isn't strictly English. If you cannot find basil in your local Italian deli you can always substitute rosemary. Or nettles.

Dave: Now, we need a bunch of plum tomatoes, but you'll have to use tinned in England. And add plenty of black pepper, but not too much salt cos remember we've got that wonderful English bacon already in the mix. And half a pint of beef stock.

Si: And then we just leave it to simmer for 2 hours, checking it occasionally. About 30 minutes before you want to eat add a handful of chopped mushrooms, which you can find in any field near you.

Dave: But be careful they're not toadstools!

Si: And we nearly ready to go!

Dave: (looking adoringly at Si whilst leaning on the table) And just boil up your favourite pasta and serve.

Both: (tasting) Delicious. Oooh, mate!

Dad's Oeufs a la Mornay

Dave: What an Earth have you got there, mate?

Si: Some of the freshest, largest free-range eggs I've ever seen.

Dave: And what are we goin' (sic, passim) to do with these, like?

Si: A traditional English supper dish, although it is tinged with a French sauce.

Dave: Ooohh, lovely mate. A perfect mingling of the George Cinq and the Savoy!

Si: Right, mate: you boil these eggs for nine minutes, and you need about two for each person eating the supper.

Dave: OK. I have put a dozen in for us two and they're simmering nicely. I'll just chop a bit of chervil.

Si: Grand! While you're doing that, I'll whisk 50g of flour into 50g of butter, cook it for a couple of mo's and add 400 mils of milk, gradually. With a bit of salt and pepper. You might want to use white pepper to keep the colour of the Bechamel traditional.

Dave: Oh! I take it you'll be needing about 100g of strong cheddar. I'll grate some up, mate. And I'll add a dab of mustard. With that chervil I chopped earlier.

Si: Aye! A variation of sauce Bechamel but named after a comte de Mornay.

Dave: Which one?

Si: No-one is sure, but me sauce is ready, and the eggs need peeling while they are still warm.

Dave: I'll pop 'em into this ovenproof dish, having cut 'em in half, and laid 'em face-down, and you can pour that lovely sauce all over 'em.

Si: And while you weren't looking, I set the grill to 200C to give them a bit of a send-off.

Dave: Would you sprinkle a bit of ground nutmeg on that before putting it under the grill?

Si: Ooh...ten minutes and it's bubbling nicely!

Dave: Ooh! Mate!

Screen pans out to envelope Durham and Cumbria enjoying another large meal, with some crusty 

bread.

Dad's Creamy Fishy Pie

Dave: Oh! What are we going to do with this lovely fresh cod, some smoked haddock and these prawns, Si?

Si: Well, a lovely English dish, which is filling and inexpensive, could be created if we could garner up some potatoes and peas.

Dave: Right, I'll peel the potatoes while you start melting some butter to turn that fish a golden tan.

Si: Aye, and while you're getting them cooked ready to mash, I'll add 300 mls of milk to the buttery fish, along with a bit of s&p. And a bayleaf, and some parsley, and maybe a couple of green peppercorns. And I'll just turn the oven to a decent 180C.

Dave: Ooohh! Mate! Would you like that to take about 10 minutes, while I'm boiling me potatoes?

Si: Grand, Dave. I'll save the liquor for you to mash those spuds. And I won't forget to take out the bayleaf.

Dave: Right-ho. I've got the mash done, and I see you've greased a casserole dish and laid in the fishy bits. You've even taken out the bones! And now I'll just layer these prawns across the top, along with couple of handful of peas.

Si: And I'll slather your lovely mashed spuds across the top, and we'll pop into the oven for about 20 minutes.

Dave: (Twenty minutes later, and with his arm around Si) Oh! That looks golden brown and delicious. I'll just garnish with a bit of watercress.

Si: Which you can find in any Victorian water-course, or buy it off the shelf at Sainsbury.

Both: (forks in hand, gurning to camera) Ooh! You just can't beat proper English food.

Dad's Pork and Mushroom with stuff

Si: Ooh! Look mate, we have some pork chops I've just sourced from some lovely free-range butcher. Them pigs were fed only on apples.

Dave: Aye, mate, and I was oop early this morning to gather some mushrooms in the virgin forest round here. I even found a few windfall apples which might come in handy.

Si: You're right, Dave, (pans to camera), because we all know that the pig and the apple make good friends.

Dave: Tell you what, mate, I'll just fry off a bit of onion and celery and bacon to get things started.

Si: And I will set about making a gorgeous bouquet garni to give me something to do while I flash fry these chops for a couple of minutes.

Dave: I'm goin to put these portobellos into the mix now and add a bit of salt and pepper. But not too much, cos we have that gorgeous succulent bacon sitting in there.

Si: Well done, mate, for finding portobellos outside oor house, but you can always find them in your local supermarket. Which is where I found these spuds I am now going to boil up.

Dave: Now some people would say that as I add these apples, a bit of Muscovado sugar would do the trick...but as we are on a diet, I'll leave that out today. So I'm just gonna splash in half a pint of cider to de-glaze the pan.

Si: And now these spuds are cooked I am gonna mash them up with a bit of butter and some crème fraiche. Which you don't get in England but it works well with this pork. Which, linguistically, is of French derivation, mate.

Dave: Could it get any better? And, by the way, mate, is that a Spong masher from the 1970s I see you're using? Mooch better than electric gadgets. I'll bang in some broccoli for a couple of minutes to set the dish off.

Si: (Two minutes later) And I think we're ready (handing fork to Dave).

Dave: Ooooh! Mate!

Enough, already. I love those chaps. No musical reference tonight because me belly too damn full.