Friday, September 3, 2010

Trooping the Colour

Wrong time of year, I know, but it sort of fits with my latest bout of typewritten jank.

I have had an ongoing long-time desire with one of my friends in the Essex Local to maintain and run a troop of baboons. They are maybe not so foxy as the hounds, but they are a damn sight harder and more clever. We always believed that my troop would sort out the teenage delinquency issue in our town, albeit replacing it with a primatey version. I could only offer my garage in which to house the splendid beasts, so we decided to have them mainly nocturnal and feral. It would be a better quality of life for them than some rich man's safari park, after all. And of course, would introduce a level of civil security somewhere between the traffic warden and the D* victims of school bullying that masquerade as our police force.

By the way, has anyone ever met a police officer that did not have a chip on its shoulder? You citizens of the world probably don't have my experience with The Muppet Show, but take my advice and beware! Don't fall foul, because the only way you'll ever get through in their language is with a big stick...or a few bottles of wine, as I believe some inspired thiefs used to bully a poor shop-owner the other day. Shameful waste of rocket fuel, but amusing, nonetheless.

If you haven't enjoyed the latest example of caring in the community, see the video of the Special in Mancy-land arresting a squaddie, for which he has to give the taxpayer three years of his life. Wouldn't fancy being in his size 11s.

Nary a good sentiment in this correspondent's diatribe, is there!? I'm going out now to refresh myself and to see if I can get any work today. A mean weekend beckons. But I shall burden you with more vitriol as soon as I can! Bowie is on the playlist now, and sounding surprisingly fresh and so very English. And I just came across the Sensational Alex Harvey! (I don't think I mean in quite that way!) Already old by the start of the face-age, but covering Edwin Starr. I know I used to think a lot of myself but I never aspired to a moniker such as 'sensational'. Perhaps I should claim lordly status for the last few years? If a BBC Play School presenter can be en-nobled, why not me and my baboons? It should never have been Floella Benjamin, anyway. Brian Cant has the makings of a stately name. Perhaps he would give my baboons winter sanctuary once he has the title and accoutrements?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

V funny. Mr Ellis.
Let us know about your progress with said primates.
paul C

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