Transport Policy

In deference to an interested party in Blighty, I offer you some insight into our marvellous transportation systems in the Kingdom. You will be aware by now that our International Airport brims daily with royalty and respected returning travellers: you should also know that we plan a sumptious Regional Airport, adjacent to our money-spinning F1 track in the desert. To service this we are planning a major development of 7-star hotels and restaurants, which will of course in no way affect the business of our major 5-star hotels near to the International Hub of the Gulf.

Once safely through our customs hall, most people will find the car the favourite means of transportation. Our roads are pleasingly crammed at all times of the day, although we lag well behind our cousins in Dubai and Abu Dhabi in congestion. The cost of motoring in the Gulf is minimal compared to your Western economies, which is one of the reasons we convinced Sir Bernie to bring his circus to town.

Awkward moment time: I have been holding back on this information for as long as possible to spare my friend's feelings. We have no trains on the island, whether over the sand or under it. We do, however, have a wonderfully cheap bus service that should enthuse him. We are committed to enabling our poorer citizens to rise with the dawn, heed the Call to Prayer, and still be at work before the sun has truly risen. Nonetheless, you can be assured that if there was a way of damaging our island environment further by building a rail link of some sort we would jump at the investment opportunity.

Few of you Westerners will know that the way we reclaim land from the sea is to dredge underperforming coral reefs, dry the blocks in the sun until they resemble concrete, and then chuck them back to create structure to our real concrete pilings. This, of course, has the distinct advantage of ridding our glittering bays of unpleasant marine organisms. It also enables us to create jet-skiing paradise bays for our property companies, a sport that has in no small manner contributed to the 'wash' which is quickly eroding our new developments in Amwaj Island. Allah be praised that we have so much cash we cannot be bothered how we build or maintain such investments. It is indeed many months before the global crunch will affect our housing market.

On second thoughts, maybe our transport minister would benefit from a rail-linked vision for the future of our Kingdom. Truly, a version of your Docklands Toy Railway would be splendid if constructed to run from our main airport to our regional airport, and then onto our tourist attraction - the Tree of Life. I shall alert His Majesty's Government to the possibilities of another vast construction opportunity in this land of White Elephants, and recommend a certain London Transport official be consulted.

To end this travel-inspired drivel, I am pleased to recollect that Sindbad is due to return tonight, and I am expected to receive him in the Billiards Room at the Panorama once Donkey and The Black Prince have collected him. Then, assuredly, some tales will be woven to rival the intricacies of their wonderful rugs.

Ding ding! - all aboard!